


Which Weasley

by RogueMarieL



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Crack Pairing, Humor, M/M, Meddling, Multi, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2017-11-07 02:25:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/425869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RogueMarieL/pseuds/RogueMarieL
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mrs. Weasley does her best to set Harry up with one of her children. Meanwhile, Harry is busy figuring out what he wants -- or rather, who.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Which Weasley

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own the rights to this series, nor do I own these characters, and nothing I do or say can or will, to the best of my knowledge, influence in any way, shape, or form Harry Potter. I am not making any money from writing using these characters.  
> This has been posted at my livejournal and at ff.net.

Which Weasley

Mrs. Weasley always wanted Harry to marry one of her children. She loved him like a son, so why not have him marry into her family and become her son-in-law? She just needed to find out what his sexual orientation was so she could choose the right child.

After weeks upon weeks of searching, she finally found the answer. See, Harry had come over for summer hols, and he left his journal open, the one Hermione had given him for his birthday. It was August Third, by the way. Anyway, Mrs. Weasley was cleaning Ron's room, when she saw it.

_Dear Journal,_

_Yeah, I know Hermione gave you to me so that I could clear my thoughts, and write down those 'visions' Voldemort sends me. But these dreams... I have to write them down, you know?_

_Anyway, I don't know who he is, but he keeps showing up in my dreams. My Dream Lover, Hermione calls him. I haven't told Ron yet, but Hermione knows I'm gay. Actually, Hermione's the only one I've told..._

_Merlin, Ron just woke up. I have to go, or he'll get curious and read this. I'll write down last night's dream later._

_H.P._

That's when Mrs. Weasley started to scheme. Who should she set up with Mr. Potter? Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George, or Ron? ' _Well, not Fred or George, those two are more interested in each other_ ,' she mused. ' _Not Ron either, they're best friends, and Ron's in love with Hermione... hmm. That leaves Bill, Charlie, and Percy. Well, no, Percy's a bit too uptight for Harry, so that leaves Bill and Charlie...let's try Charlie!_ '

She ran to go write a letter to her second oldest son, asking him to come home for a little visit.

* * *

Meanwhile, Fred and George were in their room, plotting.

 

"You know Fred, Harry's looking really, well, hot, doncha think?"

"George!" Fred yelped. Then he blinked. "Actually, you're right."

George smirked at his twin. "So what do you say we, ah, bring him up here for a talk about the shop?"

"Um, how do you know he even swings this way?" Fred asked, curious.

"Read his journal. So, what do you say?"

Fred grinned evilly. "Let's go get him."

* * *

"No, Harry. You're not getting it! Rooks move vertically or horizontally, not bishops! They move diagonally!" Ron told his best mate, getting frustrated.

 

"Erm, which one is the bishop again?" Harry asked sheepishly.

"Merlin! You know what Harry, I think you should go. Do something else. This is driving me nuts. When I calm down enough to go through this again, I'll let you know," Ron got up and walked up the stairs, bumping into Fred and George who were on their way down.

"Harry! Just the man we wanted to see. And all alone too!" Fred said, still wearing the evil grin.

"Erm..."

"Ah ah! We wanted to talk to you upstairs in our room. About the shop," George cut in, grabbing Harry by the arm and pulling him up the stairs.

* * *

Mrs. Weasley gave up on the letter and went to the Floo. "Charlie Weasley!" she called.

 

"Hello Mum," Charlie said after sticking his head in the fire place. "Can I Floo you later? My boyfriend's over, and I..."

"Oh! Okay. Never mind then, I'll Floo Bill. Toodles!"

Charlie looked at his mother like she was nuts, and pulled his head out of the fire.

"Sorry, Oli. Mum's acting a little strange. Said she'd Floo Bill, though, so it couldn't have been too important."

"Eh. Get over here Weasley. The bed's getting cold," Oliver Wood mock-glared at his partner.

"Heh."

* * *

Meanwhile, Mrs. Weasley was Flooing Bill. "Bill Weasley!" she said to the fire.

 

"Yes Mum?" Bill asked.

"Will you come over? Wait, you are gay, right? And single?"

"Ah, yes, yes, and yes. Hold on."

Mrs. Weasley stepped back, waiting for her son to come through the fireplace.

"Mum, what's going on?" Bill asked.

"What do you think of Harry?"

Bill's eyes widened as he understood. "Mum! What are you thinking? Harry's 16, and..."

* * *

Fred shut the door and put a silencing charm up after locking it.

 

"So, what's up guys?" Harry asked, sitting down on the bed.

George smirked, sitting next to Harry. "Well," he purred, causing Harry to sit up straight in shock, "we wanted to talk to you about...journals."

"W-what about them?" Harry asked shakily.

"You see, Harry, when you have five brothers and one sister, you learn to find hidden objects."

"Useful objects," Fred added, leaning against the door.

"Yes, useful for blackmailing. And every once in a while-"

"-you find something that is absolutely priceless, but-"

"-you don't use it as blackmail. Why? Because-"

"-you'd rather have 'fun' with it another way, like-"

"-when you find out a guy is gay-"

"-a really hot guy-"

"-and you're gay, you think-"

"-'let's go talk to him', and you-"

"-drag him into your bedroom to-"

"-see what he thinks about a three-some." Fred finished.

"W-w-what?"

"A three-some," Fred said.

"It's where three people get together to have a romantic relationship, or just sex," George added.

"Erm..."

* * *

"I know, Bill. But I've always wanted Harry to end up with one of you."

 

"Then why me, Mum?" Bill was sitting at the kitchen table, his head in his hands, looking absolutely defeated.

"Well, there's you, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George, Ron, and Ginny. Ginny's out because she's a girl, and I have recently discovered that Harry has no interest in the female gender. Ron's out because he's in love with Hermione, Fred and George are out because I think they're with each other, Percy's ou-"

"What! Fred and George are...when?"

"I have no idea. I just noticed them holding hands an awful lot. Anyway, Percy's out because he and Harry don't really get along, and Charlie's out because he already has a boyfriend. And that leaves you, young man!"

"But Mum, I-"

* * *

Ron was pacing back and forth in his room. He knew Harry didn't mean to be so bad at chess, he just never learned properly. After all, who would have taught him, those stupid muggles? Hah, they left him to sleep in a cupboard for ten years. It was a wonder Harry was as tall as he was, considering the cupboard was only about four feet tall. Sighing, Ron knew he had to go find Harry.

 

He walked down to the room where they had been playing chess, and he wasn't there. Then he remembered seeing the twins come downstairs, so he walked back up to knock on their door. He couldn't hear anything from inside, so he knew his brothers had put a silencing charm up. So he walked down to the kitchen to get his mother to undo the spell.

* * *

George wrapped his arms around Harry and pulled him gently down on the bed. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to the younger boy's. Fred walked over and lay down on the other side of Harry, kissing his neck. Harry was stiff in shock for a few moments, then leaned into the kiss with George.

 

* * *

"Mum, Harry's in- Bill! Hi! Whatcha doin' here?" Ron asked, surprised.

 

"Uh..."

"Your brother is here to marry Harry. Or at least date him..." Mrs. Weasley trailed off, sighing to herself.

"What? But Harry's only sixteen, though I have long suspected that he was gay, and Bill's-"

"Yes, yes, details, details. Still, Witches and Wizards live to be 125, at least. Albus Dumbledore is nearing his 173rd birthday, actually, and I know that Harry will probably live (unless he gets killed by You-Know-Who in an unlucky battle) to be 150, at least."

"But Mum!" Ron started.

"No buts, young man. I have always wanted that boy to marry into our family, and the rest of you are taken!"

"B-but, Fred, or George...!" Ron protested.

"They're together, haven't you noticed?"

Ron blinked for a few seconds. "Oookay..."

* * *

"Fred, oh Merlin, FRED!" Harry yelled as he climaxed.

 

"Harry!" Fred called. He pulled out of his new lover.

"Hey, when do I get my turn?" George purred. Harry gasped, his eyes dilating in anticipation.

* * *

"Ron, you came down here for a reason, what was it?" Bill asked, knocking Ron out of his stupor.

 

"Oh! Sorry. I need to talk to Harry, but he's in Fred and George's room. I need you to cast a spell to contact them, 'cuz they have a silencing spell up." Ron explained.

"Ah! And then we can talk to him about marrying Bill! Perfect!" Mrs. Weasley headed up the stairs.

Ron and Bill looked at each other, then raced after her.

* * *

"Harry!" George cried, sending his seed deep into the younger boy's throat. He pulled away from his new partner, smiling happily.

 

"You know," Fred said, "one day the three of us are going to have to do it together at the same time. I'm sure it will be quite enjoyable."

"Yeah," Harry agreed, his throat slightly sore.

The three of them got dressed languidly, kissing each other, but knowing that they really had to leave the room before Ron or someone started worrying that Harry was missing. Fred cast a scent charm on the room, causing it to smell like candy. Canary Creams, to be specific.

Mrs. Weasley cast the spell at the exact moment that Fred opened the door. Or... at least, she thought it was Fred...

"Mum! What're you doing there?" he asked.

"Well, dear, I need to talk to Harry. Is he here?" she asked as she pushed her way into the room. "Harry, dear, I must talk to you!"

"...About what, Mrs. Weasley?" Harry questioned after glancing at George.

"Ah, nothing Harry. C'mon. Bye Mum, Bill, Fred, George. Harry an' I are gonna go play chess now!" Ron grabbed his friend and tried to drag him away, but it was too late.

"Wait! Harry, d'ya want to tell?" George glanced between Harry and Fred as he asked. He received two nods and so pulled both his twin and his Harry to him and wrapped his arms around them. "Mum, Ron, Bill, we have a confession to make."

"A big confession." Fred said.

"An important one." George added.

"You see, Mrs. Weasley-" Harry started.

"Bill, Ronnikins, the three-" George spoke next.

"Of us are gay, and we're-" Fred grinned.

"Together," Harry finished.

"...Oh," said Mrs. Weasley. "Never mind then."

She turned and walked out of the room, dragging Bill with her, muttering about weddings the entire time. Ron stared at his brothers and his best mate for a second, then grinned.

"Would you believe she came up here to try to get Harry to marry Bill?"

"..." Harry stared at him.

"You're joking!" Fred cried.

"Nope."

"Well, good thing we made our move today, aye mate?" George smirked, nudging Harry.

"..." Harry just stared at Ron. Then, he started laughing. "Lovely. Just lovely. No offense, but Bill's..."

* * *

"Oh, well. At least he's still marrying into the family, right dear?" Molly asked her oldest child.

 

"Yes Mum. Now, I should probably go back. Bye!" Bill kissed his mother on the cheek and hurriedly floo'd out.

'Thank Merlin, I've escaped!' he thought. He walked to his room and sat on his bed. Just then, a knock rang out.

"Coming!" he called. He opened the door to see his best mate, Rick Sanders. "Hi, mate!"

"Hey Bill. Hey, do you want to go flying for a bit? Some of the others are setting up a mock Quidditch match."

"Sure! Just let me get my broom."

* * *

"...and anyways, I'm happy with the twins, I think." Harry finished.

 

"Oi, thanks!" Fred grinned.

Ron laughed. "Whatever. Hey, if you three aren't too busy, d'ya want to go play some chess?"

Harry glanced at his lovers, but they smiled. He shrugged. "Sure. Now, which one is the bishop?"

"Harry!"

Fred and George looked at each other as the two walked off.


End file.
